Saturday, April 30, 2011

"Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit." - Peter Ustinov

“The key to change... is to let go of fear.” -  Roseanne Cash

So it has been a while since my last post, and a great deal has changed. Change is not always for the worst, in fact (in most cases) change is necessary. It has taken me many boxes of tissues over the past few days, but now I am philosophical. The story behind my tears is not overly long, it is not overly interesting either. I think shock has played a large part in my sadness. Shock that a relationship that I thought would last forever, is no longer feasible.
Shock that a lack of communication got us to the point of no return. Shock that something that can hurt so damned much, without any physical assault to the body. But mainly, shock that so many people (even long-forgotten friends) will do so much to help pick the pieces up in times of heartache and struggle. I am blessed to have so many amazing things in my life, and I simply cannot live the rest of my life in anger, confusion and regret. I am letting go, and it feels bloody amazing!

There are still times when I feel the weight of the world upon my shoulders, and I don't expect that to end any time soon. The emotion is still very, very raw but I need to move on and stay strong for my son. Wine and good friends/family help a lot too! I think at the moment I am just scared. Scared of the stigma attached to being a "solo mum". Scared that I won't be able to provide the best life for my son any more. Although mainly I am scared of something random setting me off into a cascade of tears in public! It's all good though. I hold nothing against my son's father, nothing at all. I'm sad the way things crumbled apart, but at the end of the day I would rather know now (as opposed to several years/kids down the line!) and I know in my heart I did everything I possibly could to make this work. Sometimes life has a funny way of testing us, and that is what this is: A Test. It might not be a particularly easy one (especially with a child involved), but I love my son with all my heart and absolutely nothing (not even this hiccup) will stop me from giving him the world.

Anyway, I figure an update was needed as it's been a wee while. I was going to post again sooner, however I thought it was best that I did it while in the "Acceptance" stage as opposed to Anger or Depression! I don't want to be the person who sits at home crying over what might have been, begging for another shot or blaming myself for anything. I will rise above this. I am strong. I am woman, hear me roar!


Over & Out.


Renee @ Butterfly Kisses & Fairy Wishes - The Memoirs of a Mother said...

Gosh I love you! You are such an amazing, inspirational woman, look how far you have come in just a few days, you have stayed so strong for that beautiful little boy, remained composed (when it counted), grieved for what was and made plans for what will be. I absolutely know that the world has an amazing plan for you, this part isn't something you planned to be part of it, but everything does happen for a reason and maybe this is the fork in the road that sets you towards your true destiny. Never forget - you are the best Mum you could possibly be, one of the best friends a girl could hope for and one day we will look back on this all from a deleriously happy viewpoint. Remember you have people round every corner waiting to help, you just have to ask (or hint if you don't want to ask ;-) ) xxxxx

skymum @Pursuit of Happiness said...

You know what makes things easier? Friends like you xxxx

prujean said...

Oh honey,
one step at a time. When you walk in the golden light of the sun there will always be shadows, clouds and thunderstorms. Keep that head held high and hold fast to the dreams for they will give you the wings to FLY! All my love,

Fit Fran Figures out Family said...

Your mums quote is amazing :) love it!!
Betsy, you are an amazing mum, you make me want to be like you every day, you are always thinking of jack, even when life is as shitty as it gets you think of him and what will make his life better, even if it makes yours worse. You are wonderful, amazing, funny, smiley, gorgeous, caring, hot mumma material and i love you! xxxx

Maxabella said...

Bless. Such a shock. The end of a life-relationship is always tragic, complicated and endlessly sad. x

Penny said...

Well done for having the honesty and grace to post about such a raw topic in such an uplifting and strong way. i hope you find your ability to write a great way to express the journey of emotions you will no doubt go though along the way.

skymum @Pursuit of Happiness said...

Thank you all for your support! Sure, it's not the path I thought I would be taking in this lifetime... but I'll make do! If anything, this speed-bump will make me a stronger person and mother for my son, and that is what is important! I know it's not ideal, but everything happens for a reason. Every day I am growing and learning, and becoming a better person because of it. So bring it on, I say!

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