During my pursuit of happiness I have placed a large emphasis on career. I have spent many days going over the "what ifs" and venting frustration at the lack of opportunity for employment in my town. I have, in the process, forgotten all the negative parts about a media career, and have put it up on a pedestal. Typical. During the last week I have been remembering. I actually hated working in the industry, which is why I left Auckland to come to Taupo. I loathed the egos, fake people and the way all interns/assistants are treated as glorified slaves (in some cases they don't even glorify it- you are their bitch).I seem to be, once again, at an impasse. After several years of convincing myself that "if I lived in Auckland I would have job opportunities coming out my ears. Taupo is the problem, not me", I've finally remembered why I left. I love Taupo, I love my life here. I was kidding myself to think it would be easier there. If anything, it would be so much harder. Here we have the support of my partner's family. Here he can make enough money to support us. And most importantly, here is where I want to bring up our son. This is probably one of the most annoying epiphanies I have had.
For years I have been convincing myself that I don't want to be a teacher. I already have a gigantic student loan, do I really want to commit to more study? I was at this same exact place last year too. Why do I need to have these realisations just after the year's intake of students? Frustration City. I guess what I'm saying is, I do want to be a Primary Teacher. I think. I love children, and I can relate well to them (as I'm basically a big kid!). I would love to have a job in which I have school holidays off to spend with our son. Anyway, I have a good 6months to decide if this is really what I want, or just another whim, as the next distance-learning intake isn't until Summer. To pass the time, I'm going to write a wee checklist (just to ensure I make the right decision)
- having school holidays off
- employment opportunities where we live
- can study by distance & part-time (through Canterbury University - my base would be Rotorua, only 45minutes away)
- I like children
- I want to make a difference to the world: What better way than influencing the education and lives of the future generations?
- When our son leaves home (eventually) the opportunity would be there to work abroad.
- I have my partner's full support to do whatever I decide (in some ways it would be easier if he just made the decision for me, though!)
- Will be a long process (may be as long as 6-years study) putting a lot of financial strain (for the short-term) on my partner.
- Will be hard to study with my son at home when he drops his day sleeps. I might need to get day-care during the week.
I'm sure there are more points for both sides of the board, but I can't think of them right now. This is the one thing I keep coming back to. I don't know why I keep fighting it. When I left school, I chose the easy-way out. A one-year diploma (in film/tv), instead of a bachelor. The easy road may prove a quick-fix, but in the end I guess I'm better off biting the bullet and starting my long climb up. Maybe I'm fighting it so hard, as my way of rebelling? My mother and mother-in-law are both trained teachers, so perhaps my need to be unique is hindering my decision? I don't crave fame any more (the reason I got into television), I just crave stability and happiness.
Even now my brain keeps saying "If only you'd started studying 2years ago...", but in reality my head was not in the right place then. If I had started then, sure, I might still be slugging away... but I highly doubt it! Even now my head isn't 100% sorted, which is why it's probably a good thing I can't sign up immediately. Who knows, I might change my mind tomorrow (or even during the course of today) - I am a butterfly after all!
Over & Out.