Sunday, April 24, 2011

The grass is always greener...

During my pursuit of happiness I have placed a large emphasis on career. I have spent many days going over the "what ifs" and venting frustration at the lack of opportunity for employment in my town. I have, in the process, forgotten all the negative parts about a media career, and have put it up on a pedestal. Typical. During the last week I have been remembering. I actually hated working in the industry, which is why I left Auckland to come to Taupo. I loathed the egos, fake people and the way all interns/assistants are treated as glorified slaves (in some cases they don't even glorify it- you are their bitch).
 I seem to be, once again, at an impasse. After several years of convincing myself that "if I lived in Auckland I would have job opportunities coming out my ears. Taupo is the problem, not me", I've finally remembered why I left. I love Taupo, I love my life here. I was kidding myself to think it would be easier there. If anything, it would be so much harder. Here we have the support of my partner's family. Here he can make enough money to support us. And most importantly, here is where I want to bring up our son. This is probably one of the most annoying epiphanies I have had. 

For years I have been convincing myself that I don't want to be a teacher. I already have a gigantic student loan, do I really want to commit to more study? I was at this same exact place last year too. Why do I need to have these realisations just after the year's intake of students? Frustration City. I guess what I'm saying is, I do want to be a Primary Teacher. I think. I love children, and I can relate well to them (as I'm basically a big kid!). I would love to have a job in which I have school holidays off to spend with our son. Anyway, I have a good 6months to decide if this is really what I want, or just another whim, as the next distance-learning intake isn't until Summer. To pass the time, I'm going to write a wee checklist (just to ensure I make the right decision)

PROS:
  • having school holidays off
  • employment opportunities where we live
  • can study by distance & part-time (through Canterbury University - my base would be Rotorua, only 45minutes away)
  • I like children
  • I want to make a difference to the world: What better way than influencing the education and lives of the future generations?
  • When our son leaves home (eventually) the opportunity would be there to work abroad.
  • I have my partner's full support to do whatever I decide (in some ways it would be easier if he just made the decision for me, though!)
CONS:
  • Will be a long process (may be as long as 6-years study) putting a lot of financial strain (for the short-term) on my partner.
  • Will be hard to study with my son at home when he drops his day sleeps. I might need to get day-care during the week.
I'm sure there are more points for both sides of the board, but I can't think of them right now. This is the one thing I keep coming back to. I don't know why I keep fighting it. When I left school, I chose the easy-way out. A one-year diploma (in film/tv), instead of a bachelor. The easy road may prove a quick-fix, but in the end I guess I'm better off biting the bullet and starting my long climb up. Maybe I'm fighting it so hard, as my way of rebelling? My mother and mother-in-law are both trained teachers, so perhaps my need to be unique is hindering my decision? I don't crave fame any more (the reason I got into television), I just crave stability and happiness. 

Even now my brain keeps saying "If only you'd started studying 2years ago...", but in reality my head was not in the right place then. If I had started then, sure, I might still be slugging away... but I highly doubt it! Even now my head isn't 100% sorted, which is why it's probably a good thing I can't sign up immediately. Who knows, I might change my mind tomorrow (or even during the course of today) - I am a butterfly after all! 

Over & Out.

2 comments:

Renee @ Butterfly Kisses & Fairy Wishes - The Memoirs of a Mother said...

I think you'd be an amazing teacher - and you can still be unique in doing it - I'm sure there are lots of ways to put your own spin on it! I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up - perhaps I need to do a bullet pointed list too :-)

PS I fed your fish - they were starving

Vbanger said...

It's a frustrating thought when u are dealing with the should I's or should'nt I's. I am doing full time and it makes up 24weeks in the year. The rest is holidays. I went to Uni four days a week last year, this year and next I'll go for 3 days during the week. Most of the work is done in your own time. Daycare-For Kyra(Over 3) is 10 per week(fulltime). For Stella, it's 45 per week(under 3). This is because we qualify for childcare subsidy through winz because I study full time. It's all very rewarding, even as a student. I miss my babies, but I know it's only because I want to be at home with them again. The time away is'nt really that bad. You would make an excellent teacher!!! I think you should do it for sure!!!x