Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day

Today bears mixed emotions for me. I am struggling with shared custody. On one hand I love having "time out", on the other I spend the majority of this "time out" missing my darling wee man like crazy. Today is Mother's Day in New Zealand, and I don't even get to cuddle him & tell him how much I love him.
That was my choice. I chose to spend today on Roller Derby, but I did plan (and arrange) on Mother's Day cuddles with him first thing in this morning. Sadly, this has fallen through. I cannot blame his father for choosing to go to work early (dropping him at his grandparents) as I know that he worries about money, but it doesn't stop me being very sad. 

It's a strange thing being a mum. That overpowering, gut-wrenching tear I feel every time I am away from him. I know he needs time with his father, but part of me just wants to keep him to myself and never let him go! I know that sounds crazy, and I could never do it... but it sure doesn't stop me thinking it! I love that little guy to pieces, and never anticipated this kind of unfathomable, unconditional love even when he was conceived! This kind of love is not able to be categorised or plastered with a generic label. I am sure it feels different for everyone, but for me it just plain hurts! God only knows how I will ever be able to cope when he goes to school! I guess you just make do. I am sure, with time, I will get used to not seeing him every morning. Today I am actually thankful his father only wants him one day a week! Before I struggled with this, thinking it wasn't "enough", but now that reality is setting in I am just very grateful that I get to see him 6 days a week!

Anyway, I'm off to splash my face with ice-cold water and take some Harden Up pills! What a pansy. 

Over & Out.


Renee said...

Happy Mothers Day BP - am sure J will slather you in a multitude of kisses to make up for not seeing you today. Can't even imagine how tough everything must be right now, I just hope it gets a little easier as time goes on. Have fun at Roller Derby!!!

skymum @Pursuit of Happiness said...

Thanks - it will be SO much easier once J and I are in our own place! Not long to go now... just over a week until moving day! x