Monday, May 2, 2011

Full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair. Beneath the stains of time, The feelings disappear.

"I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real"

If I had listened to this only a week ago, it would have rendered me a mess. I have always found it deeply moving, but for some strange reason this cover of NIN's "hurt" is my inspiration for the day. No matter the relationship between his father and I, I will not let it affect my son. He will always grow up knowing that both his mummy & daddy love him to pieces. 

Today has mixed emotions for me. On one hand I am feeling empowered and strong, on the other I am sad. A year ago today I was whisked away in a helicopter for every girl's dream proposal. It's funny how things change in a year! I guess what I have realised is that to an outsider it can appear that you have everything, but if you don't have love then you basically have nothing! I have a whole lot of love: Love for my friends and family. Love for my son. Love for the lessons I am learning every day. But mainly, love for finding myself again. I know the path might not always be easy, but everything does happen for a reason. For years I had lost myself. If it takes a bit of heartbreak to rediscover my path and journey, then I will definitely not have any resentment! 

I have a new house (which unfortunately we can't move into until the 17th) and it is perfect. I am feeling very positive about the direction my life is now taking. I am feeling positive about my son and I's future. I know it's not going to be a bed of roses, or particularly easy - but I love a challenge and trust me: I'm a fighter! At least I now know what I want. I don't want a wedding. I don't want things. I want honesty, but most of all I want all the happiness in the world for my son & I. Pain hurts, yes. But I know in my heart that pain is necessary. If it wasn't for pain and sorrow, then how could anyone truly appreciate the true joys of love and happiness? 

I leave you with the song I have sung to my gorgeous boy from the moment he was in my womb. My mother read the book and sung it to us as children, and now I sing it to him every night before he goes to sleep:

"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be"  - "Love you Forever" - Robert Munsch

Over & Out. 


Viv said...

Hopes that you are okay. For whatever reasons has resulted in making you feel this way, I know you will come out on top~! I'm not ganna lie I have been there one too many times for nearly every reason possible! It's taken me 6 years out of the 9 years that I have been with Brad, to finally get it right! But even so, theres always the minor bumps in the road. My thoughts are with you Bets.xxxx

Renee @ Butterfly Kisses & Fairy Wishes - The Memoirs of a Mother said...

I love you, don't worry about a thing, cos every little thing is gonna be alright xxx

PS Uncle Bob knew what he was talkin about! ;-)

skymum @Pursuit of Happiness said...

Thanks guys - it's not the easiest time at the moment (especially when there's a gorgeous wee child involved) but I will make it work, for him at the very least!