Sunday, December 9, 2012


"We're not the type
To go out and find others
Who are just like
The ones in our cupboard
We only see
What we read on the covers
We only bleed
If we're not seen by another"

What a crazy year it has been. I think it is safe to say my life was truly turned on it's head at the passing of a friend back in July.
As painful as having to struggle through life in a permanent head stand may seem, it's actually quite refreshing. It certainly gave me a new perspective on life. Not only did I appreciate the importance of wearing hats (especially when head-shuffling over gravel or tar-seal), it also brought me down to reality: Life is meant to be lived and only you are responsible for your own destiny. Deep, I know... the reality is that you can stay in a rut, scraping the top of your skull off on sharp pointy objects (don't even get me started on discarded chewing gum), or you can use your bloody legs and pick yourself up from whatever pothole you've rolled into... and LIVE.

Basically I had found myself in a wee bit of a rut: I loved my job and had a lot of fun, but in order to fulfil my promotional requirements of my role I was having to work 6-7 days a week. This resulted in me not only being "time poor" (burnt out, stressed from running to-and-fro trying to fit everyone and everything in to my schedule), but also "poor" in every gosh-darned sense of the word (word of advice: Don't choose a career in radio if you ever expect wealth!). Perhaps that is slightly unfair, after all I did enjoy it immensely.. but when you have a meteor-striking, sudden-spontaneous-head-combustion reality check, the last thing you want to be doing every waking minute is working! Least of all when you have a child. I seriously feel like I missed the last year of his life, which is not really cool in any way, shape or form.

"Something's bound to change"

Well it bloody better, there's only so much rolling around over hot coals one noggin can take! I spent a fair bit of time beating myself up about my life decisions, but what's the point in that? That just results in a downwards spiral of self-pity and depression: No thanks! I drew on the infinite wisdom of Vanilla Ice: "If there was a problem, yo I'll solve it" and BOOM. Just like that (without the suggested fireworks or pyrotechnic display), I did. Well, to be perfectly honest - my parents did play a large part in the solving, but this is a blog about me, dammit... and if I want to embellish the truth and make it seem like I am the most amazing, rubik's cube solving, where's wally finding, problem solver in the world... then I will!

"Stop looking down at the ground
Pick it out of the clouds
No one's gonna put you down
Just let it out let it out."

Long story short I have made some changes. Gone is the 6-day a week (all-be-it enjoyable) contract, I'm taking the reins of my life and moving onwards and upwards (I say this hopefully, my sense of direction leaves a lot to be desired...). My priorities are family, friends, job... in that order. I'm still working on finding a space for "me" in there, but baby steps... I've made my (and possibly a few other peoples') share of mistakes thus far, but instead of dwelling on them and letting my past dictate my life... I'm attempting to rise above and move on. Easier said than done, for a Capricorn I sure do hold onto baggage!

"Let's all go out
Go out and find lovers
That scream and shout
The kind you don't take home to your mother
We are the ones
Who cannot hide under covers
No sacred suns
Just us all crowded and cluttered"

Okay, so just to clarify I don't mean everyone should "go out and find lovers" in a literal sense... it's none of my business what turns your cogs! I think we (as a society) care too much about others. I'm not talking family members, they are the ones who offer unconditional love and support no matter what. I am talking about caring what random people or even acquaintances think. There is of course a limit to this, you should probably remain polite and cordial... but back yourself at the same time. Instead of nodding and agreeing to everything, don't be afraid to speak up if there is something you're truly passionate about. Don't be afraid to take a chance, and don't live life in the shadows of others.

"Just get it out get it out
Just let it all out now"

I should probably explain my reasoning for choosing the song lyrics I did, and give the artist credit. It was a couple of days after I learned of Albo's death, and I was shellshocked. I walked around like a zombie for a bit, because he was meant to be untouchable. He did incredibly risky, dare-devil stunts... but always pulled them off. To me, he was invincible. Heading back to work from a lunch break spent sitting by the lake, staring out over it blankly, I turned the radio on. Newton Faulkner's "Clouds" came on. It was the first time The Edge radio station here in New Zealand had played the track, and it started as soon as I turned the ignition. Given the circumstances in which he died, and how I was feeling about the direction my life was taking... I was incredibly moved. If I am having a bad day now (as we all do, if anyone tells you their life is perfect they are either lying; or they are an alien... call the FBI immediately!) I crank that song at full volume and my heart fills with hope.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and as gutted as I am to have lost a friend... I believe that he was sent here to help us all LIVE. He died doing what he loved and was hugely passionate about, and in his relatively short live managed to live more than the majority of empty sacks of skin that walk this Earth. I don't want to be another soul-less puppet. I want to cherish every moment (painful, crushing or terrifying as it may be) because as long as I am still feeling, I know that I am living.

1 comment:

Penny said...

welcome back, great words of wisdom, yes death has a way of turning things on their heads, that is normal, what is hard is the clawing back of our life. Well done, may your writing here be your "me time" :)