Today I have had yet another mortality check. I love skydiving: the people, the thrill, the sport... but I hate the fact that it has claimed yet another life. One of the main reasons I have decided to give it up, is not my safety. It is not for my son. It is because I felt myself becoming immune to mourning. The reality is, if you are a skydiver, your friends will die. But it is also an industry (and lifestyle) which enables people to put up walls. I don't want to be a person who just shrugs, has a beer and then accepts that yet another comrade has fallen. I want to be able to feel sadness and rejoice that we were able to share memories and moments together during our short time on this earth. The attitude among most is one of acceptance. I never want to become complacent with life, and certainly never want to stop living... I choose to feel emotion, and not to block it out behind a front fuelled with bravado.
I realise I have been drifting away from the blogging world, and I am trying to claw my way back. I am in a much better place now than I was when I previously posted. I still have days of angst, but they are becoming fewer and further between. I am taking the reins and regaining control of my life... and I love the feeling of empowerment it brings! I feel as though a great burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I am letting go, and finding peace within myself. I have said it before, and I will say it again. I have no regrets about any decision I have made in the past. Looking back, there are things I would like to have done differently - but every word uttered, every action and every consequence is what has made me the person I am today. And I love this person! I may not be perfect, but I am me and that is all that really matters! I love rediscovering myself, and the person that I have become. I have not been in touch with myself fully over the past 5 or so years, so this journey is both enlightening and thoroughly enjoyable!
I spent a large part of my life trying to be accepted, which is foolish. I was preventing myself from being the person that I always was, and was merely "existing", as opposed to living. My life may not be a fairytale, but whose really is? My life is my own, and I intend to celebrate my life every day. My proudest achievement is my son. He is, and always will be, my number one priority. The love I feel for him has enabled me to heal from my disappointment a lot quicker than I would have ordinarily been able to. I'm not completely "fixed", but I am gluing myself back together bit by bit. I don't want a "quick fix", I want to feel everything. Every hiccup life throws at me, every bump in the road. I want to be able to cry when I am sad. I want to feel pain when I am hurt. Because if we do not feel these things, we are not truly living. If we do not feel these things, how can we ever truly experience joy and (most importantly) love? I am not a shell of a person, I am a force of nature. I will not allow myself to be anything less than extraordinary, because I deserve the best. I deserve to feel everything. My son deserves to have a mother who is happy, because that is the best example I can possibly hope to set for him.
I choose my destiny. I choose to be happy. I choose to feel love. I choose life.
Over & Out.