"When you realize how perfect everything is, you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky" - Buddha

Yesterday I had an epiphany. It's not something that came to me in a flash of brilliance. It's not something that jumped out at me while trawling through facebook. It's certainly not something that was incredibly easy to swallow either. It is something that was unknowingly gifted to me by my fiancé, mid-argument.
I have been so fixated upon all the things in my life that are preventing me from being happy, that I have completely forgotten all the amazing things in my life that make me happy in the first place. I'm not going to go into the depths of intimate detail that surrounded the argument, as that is not what is important (rest assured though, it was rated at about a '9' on the Pain Measurement Scale - undoubtedly because it also featured highly on the 'Truth Scale'). What is important is that I have finally realised that the only thing stopping me from being happy is, well, me.

Ever since our son was born I have been moping around, complaining my guts out about the fact that my beloved fails to help with the dishes, doesn't vacuum, went back to work too soon, still has his career... blah, blah, blah. Instead, I would like to tip the scales back into his favour by listing all the things I love to bits about him. It is, after all, only fair.

• Knows how to make me laugh, even when I'm pissed off at the world (or him) and really don't want to.
• Takes turns at getting up in the mornings with our son, so we have alternate days to sleep in (more sleep = win)
• Works so amazingly hard to make sure we never go without (has also just been promoted at work which I never properly congratulated him for - I was too busy wallowing in self-pity that he has a career and I "don't").
• Is my best friend. 
• Is an amazing father and would do anything for our son.

I could go on and on, but I figure this paints an accurate (however brief) picture of how he is. I spent the majority of yesterday complaining at him that he was a crap communicator. Good one. No wonder he finds it so hard to communicate with me if I am constantly nagging and being Lil' Miss Negative! Don't get me wrong, he is no saint and definitely has his own issues... but I think I need to stop focussing on the flaws and faults and be a lot more positive!

It's not exactly rocket science, and I feel quite embarrassed that until now I haven't even realised this. I was going to gloss over the whole thing, but I think this realisation is a very important part of my journey and it would be remiss of me not to share. I am now going to follow on from this with a positive list. Here are some (of the many) things that I love about my life:

• I have an amazing support network. My parents are incredible. I know no matter what path I choose to go on in my life (even if they don't 100% agree with it) I will have their unconditional support. (Well I'm pretty sure they would draw the line with drug dealing/stripping, but even then I think they would be more concerned with getting me the help I need!). I also have a great bunch of friends, 2-3 in particular who have helped me through a lot (you know who you are!) and for that I am eternally grateful. 
• My son is incredible. Every day he is learning something new and even if that "something new" is poking pencils in his ears (or the dog) I will never stop being proud of him. He is truly my greatest accomplishment, and although some days I curse the fact I feel 'trapped' by motherhood... well I wouldn't change a damned thing.
• We always have enough. Whether it's enough to get by, or enough to ensure the cupboards are always stocked... Due to my fiancé's job (and his sweet budgeting skills, which I lack) we never go without.

Those are just a few of the things I am thankful for, there are many more than that. 

I find it so easy to just wallow in self-pity, that I have become absorbed in negativity. Instead of just shrugging my shoulders and saying "well how would you feel...?" I am going to make a concerted effort to change my mindset (and yes, I realise that 'concerted' implies plural, so I will be harnessing the abilities of my multiple personalities to help). I just needed that kick up my bum to remind me that, hang on a minute, my life is actually pretty damned sweet! 

I will be thankful for the fact that I don't have to go back to work just yet, and I can take the time to figure out what I want to do with my life. 

I will make the most of each day and not waste it sitting in front of the computer.

I will be happy with the cards I've been dealt, and not spend a lifetime bitching at the dealer to give me a new hand.

I will transform myself from this to this. It might not happen overnight, but I will make it happen.

I will be more positive!

In my quest for happiness I forgot the most basic thing. To be happy you don't need things, you just need love.

"Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life. " 

- Joan Lunden -

Over & Out.